Today - FOD with all is about You

Unexpectedly, I volunteered myself to help out for the Festival of Diversity, Malaysia Night for Cardiff University that ended few minutes ago.

This is the second time I have to wear formal ever since last time's Leadership Conference.

I don't know what got into me and I volunteered myself and feel excited about it. Although I considering the decision, but I did feel excited somehow.

Maybe because I knew you were coming....

Expectedly, I met you. I was working and you came as a guest. I know you came because of he asked you (which I knew you first and introduce you to him and I thought he was my best friend, maybe it is still now or what I don't know.)

I did not talk to you. I had been avoiding you.
He saw me and call my name not long after you guys came and finish taking the buffet's food and you were just beside him. He said, :'CK, XXX' tells me that you were here. Yeah I know. I just say Hi, thats all.

I didn't know what to react what to do. The whole night I was just so blur only because I was keep looking for you spotting you but don't dare to talk to you and I wanna you to see me but don't want to talk to you.

You took pictures with him, with them.
You went to after party with him, with them.

I wanted to go, so much, because of you but I didn't, because of you.
I don't know how to react in front of you and don't want to see you are close with him, with them.

I didn't know what were you thinking, were you feeling as awkward as I was all the time, or you just didn't bother?

When you just came, we met, I just say Hi.
When I was talking to people on the 'Tourism Malaysia' booth which where I was assigned to (and I can't believe what I was doing - promoting Malaysia!!!), I saw you was nearby me with them, don't know if you see me.
When the booth is empty and they probably deliberately purposely brought you there and tell you something about Malaysia and even him asked me to explain Malaysia to you but I pretend I was busy and didn't hear that which obviously awkward as there were only me you and them.
When intermission I walked down from hall and you came up we met and pretend we didn't see each other.
When also in intermission, you were talking to them and I went to the gang and pretend didn't see you so didn't talk to you even passed behind of you before the show start and we were ignoring each other although he saw me getting out behind you.
When after the event you were talking to the gang and I was pretending to busy socializing with others friends which it seems not successful as I totally didn't know what I was doing just because I was keeping my eyes on you every moment I can and hopefully you see me but I still don't want to talk to you, you even took a picture for me and my friend.
When you guys were settling the taxi to get to the after party, I kept finding an excuse to talk to people around you to make sure I appear in front of you but don't want to talk to you, even I was standing just right beside you.
When you guys decided to walk to the club and I still insisted that I am not going although people keep on asking me to go, we were in the gang but we didn't say anything.
My friend asked me:' CK why you so boring one' and I told I wanted to go but just not this time, this day, this moment and he said "I know you are gay.' and you looked at him but don't know what you were thinking in your mind for that second before my friend said he was joking.

We just have too much of awkward moment and maybe we are starting to get use to it.

At the end, I walked back to my room, alone, with the cool breeze, lonely street, just to avoid you.

You know what, how much I wish I could go to the after party and appear around you, how much I wish I can take pictures with you, how much I wish we are having this because we are a couple....

Even before I went to the event for help out at 3pm, I just had a chat with my friend and yeah we talked about me and you too.
I wonder what were you thinking all these while.
I wonder what were you having in your mind all the awkward moment we had today.

I wonder if you felt the same way as I feel all these while, all the time, today and before.

We can't keep on being like that but I don't know how.
I am stuck.

Now, I am sitting alone in front of my computer writing this right after I came back from the event without even changing and you went to the after party with them.

I found out again I love you.

That's today.