冬至圣诞快乐

伦敦时间 2011年12月23号 凌晨2点23分

原本没有打算写些什么。生活还是这样。没有什么特别，没有什么需要记录。

突然，Skype上再南非的阿姨突然找我聊天。问我最近还好吗，今天是冬至，有没有吃汤圆。

其实我早已经忘记今天是冬至了。虽然我妹在几个小时前也有提醒我，可是等我看到她的留言，她已经下线了。想起应该打个电话回家，可是望了望电脑大马时间已经是凌晨十二点了，所以还是算了吧。

已经很久很久，没有用中文打字了。已经很久很久，没有一面听着部落格的音乐，一面用中文写日记。跟阿姨谈着谈着，那种一面打字，一面流泪的画面，的心情，今天晚上又回来了。

她找我，直接问我够钱用吗，如果不够的话，尽管跟她说。然后她知道我现在在伦敦，就问我吃什么，还有，既然现在我在伦敦，她可以交代她在伦敦的朋友会钱给我。我说不用了，我够，然后跟她报告，我午餐Sponsor买给我，早餐到Chambers吃些饼干咖啡解决，所以一天只须花钱买晚餐和捷运费，况且我还有一天就要回Nottingham了，不用担心。她直接说她可以安排她朋友明天和我见面。我说真的不用了，然后开玩笑地说她恨有钱吗，倒不如叫她朋友安排工作给我更实际。她叫我不要跟她客气，然后吩咐我读书最重要。

其实我知道她也不是什么有钱人家，自己出来搞生意，还有两个才小学的孩子。她，比我更需要钱。可是大家还是担心我不够钱用。她说她很能理解自己一个人在外国不够钱的感受，毕竟她也是身处南非。现在我一个人在英国，也许终于酒逢知己了，所以会更担心。

跟她说我是我很喜欢伦敦，所以考虑以后毕业后英国搬来伦敦生活，她说嗯，伦敦机会多。突然间，听见自己说这样的话，觉得自己，长大了。

我来伦敦之前跟我妈通了电话，她也是问了我同样的问题，够钱用吗。还有她们不约而同地跟我说，千万要记得，不要饿肚子，千万不要饿着肚子把钱省下。记得要吃饱。什么都可以省，吃不可以。突然想起平时我是怎么省吃省用，我流泪了。我没有承认，可是我知道，也许她们真的很担心，也许我一直以来我做错了。无论该要多省，不要饿坏自己。我流泪，因为我知道，我有一堆家人在我后面做我的后盾， 一个很强很强的后盾。

也许我太多负能量，也许我部落格不怎么开心，也是有时我埋怨太多。

想起自己就来二十三，还得让她们担心，还得向她们伸手要钱，还在花者一笔很大很大的钱，于理不合。惭愧自己没有本事拿奖学金，没有本事高举状元。

无论如何，嗯，没什么，放心，我年轻力壮，我还可以撑。就算挨饿也没什么大不了，况且我现在过得很好。

我会每一天都在提醒自己告诉自己，我会过得好好地。我会努力，我会加油。

不让自己再一面写部落格一面流泪，不让自己再这样负面下去。要自己去快乐，要积极，要正面，要相信。

人善天不欺。皇天不负苦心人。故天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身行，行拂乱其所为，所以动心忍性，曾益其所不能。God wouldn’t give you something more than you can handle.

我要学会不气馁，不放弃，不容易低头。再苦再难，我会挨过去。是时候你们去休息，我出去扛了。

冬至过去了，圣诞还有两天。窗外还没有下雪，天气转冷，我会自己照顾自己的。

冬至快乐，圣诞节愉快!

只是突然有感而发

伦敦时间 2011年12月23号 凌晨1点22分

已经很久很久，没有用中文打字了。已经很久很久，没有一面听着部落格的音乐，一面用中文写日记。这种感觉，埋藏在心里，很久很久了。

有时候生活忙碌，还是自己让自己忙碌，自己逼自己去忘记，去隐藏，也许有一些东西还是隐藏不到的。

我知道我自小没有爸爸，家人-阿姨舅舅也许因为这样，对我们两兄妹特别照顾。所以我跟很多家庭不同，我和我的阿姨舅舅们感情都很好。我不以为然，直到长大，我才发现，原来我一直渴望父爱，原来我是真的缺少父爱，原来有爸爸保护，有爸爸做榜样的儿子的路，该会有多容易走。父亲在我一岁时离世，他到底样子是怎样声音是怎样我根本就没有什么印象。从小到大除了我妈说我在五岁的时候曾经问过她为何全部人都有爸爸而我没有以外，我从来没有怎么去想着一个人。就算电视电台说单亲会对孩子有什么负面影响，朋友怎么尽量不在我面前提我的爸，我根本就没有感觉。

不知道是不是有时候人要长大，才会发现生活其实很有趣。你长越大，你要学要探索要发现的东西会更多。从以前得到一些男士老板的照顾，还有这次的Sponsor，让我慢慢发现，其实我心里面一直渴望父爱，一直想知道，一个孩子有爸爸疼会是怎样的。还有，爸，你在天国，你还好吗？你知道一直以来你家人的近况吗？你知道这十几年来你老婆熬得多辛苦吗？你知道你老婆为了你的孩子，有多坚强吗？还有，你知道你自己的儿子在外国很努力地拼命为自己的梦想拼搏，一直很努力地告诉自己要快乐，要幸福，要坚强，要扛起整头家，给自己的家人过好生活吗？你知道你自己的儿子就快要成为大律师了吗？你都有在保佑我们吗？你真的有在天之灵吗？

也许，你已经投了胎，做了别人的孩子，你不会知道这一些。甚至或许，就算你今天突然出现在我面前，我也不知道要跟你说些什么，或者该不该当你是陌生人。

原来心里面有些洞，缺了，无论怎么补，都是无法变回完美。

抱歉，夜深了，胡思乱想起来。

我该活在当下。

第一次，Mini Pupillage

伦敦时间 2011年12月22号 晚上9点47分

来了伦敦差不多四天，在一间伦敦的大律师楼傻傻地混了这几天。感激我在Lincoln’s Inn的Sponsor，在第一天认识他，今年十一月一号，Lincoln’s Inn 的Sponsorship Night。他知道我很努力地在找机会，就帮我安排了在他的Chambers spend a week, 圈中人称-mini pupillage。原本的计划是一个星期，由于圣诞将至，很多人的心情早已经放假了。所以今天，第四天，差不多两点半，我们都回家了。明天也不用去了，反正他也没有回Chambers。其实我真的很感激他，虽然有时他回复我email需要好几天，可是这也很正常。这里的大律师都好像全部都很忙很忙的。这几天，所有午餐都是他帮我付的。虽然不是什么山珍海味，只是三文治巧克力等，可是我真的很感谢他。跟了他好几天，好像他是哪间咖啡厅的常客，所以四天我们都吃了同一间咖啡厅的三文治。哦，星期三因为我和他同房的另外一位barrister在谈东西到午餐时间了还没空，他看见了就帮我买了午餐，而且还是平时我在吃的。原来要做一位barrister真的不简单，观察力也要非凡。他人很好，和我一起走去法庭时，没有要我帮他拉好像港剧看到所有大律师似乎都会拉的行李箱。我有自荐我帮他拉，反正这些都是pupil应该做的。他说不用了，不过他也说，pupil要帮师傅拉行李的意义，是要让他们从低学起。

有时候，真的很感慨。在伦敦大律师楼混了几天，一直都是听他吩咐，跟着他。跟了他上法庭，看他打官司；虽然只有一天（最近上庭案件不多），不过见识很多，上的，还是Royal Court of Juctice。帮他从一堆又厚又多地法律书找资料，做他给的练习；虽然所有东西都是on your feet， 至少我学会怎么去开始，见识一个真正的英国教育制度，一个以后身为律师，或者所有行业该有的独立，和自主。他不严，第二天的后半天他还让我去听在英国现在很轰动的Levoson Inquiry，说我还可能可以见到明星。我不知道那到底是什么，不过总该要学会融入他们的社会，我还是选择去了。

这几天，我很开心，虽然过得是典型上班族生活，一早起身搭捷运，下班跟人挤沙丁，不过我很享受。跟他一起走去法庭的路上，感觉真的好爽，真的好像我是他的徒弟一样。走在伦敦街上，大律师的身旁，还要当时他是已经穿好wing collar了的，人来人往，至少可以消除外国人都是来当外劳苦差的印象；坐在伦敦大律师楼的办公室，外面是典型的英国古代律师楼建筑还有风景，今天甚至传来钢琴声，让我更下定决心要在这里找到一份工作，不是，是成为这里的大律师，就算这几天我看的书看的文件，超过几千几万个字。

Chambers里的barrister们也不错，我还跟跟他同房的聊了很多，他也教会我很多。虽然我认为我没有让他们对我留下深刻印象，不过至少我该满足，再努力。虽然这里的人还是少了中国人的那份‘情’，可是有这样的机会，至少让我知道我没有必要对自己的希望绝望。人该学会满足，我会再接再厉。我的Sponsor还会和我保持联络的，还有CV，还有Inn 的Sponsorship Night，还有他跟我说还有什么需要帮忙尽管告诉他。也许那时客套话，platitude，无论如何，还是会谢谢他，至少我人脉广了一些。

这一次，也是第一次的mini pupillage结束了。不舍得。不舍得伦敦大城市，不舍得坐在大律师楼工作，不舍得身为大律师徒弟的身份。

也许自小没有爸，打从第一次和我的Sponsor接触，他答应帮我安排mini pupillage，希望可以打开我的门路，这几天对我的照顾，我就感觉到很温馨。原来一直以来我渴望父爱缺少父爱的事实，没有离开过。也许对他来说没有什么，也许对很多人来说都不以为然。可是我真的很感激。以一个单亲孩子也好，一个希望留在英国的国际学生也好，谢谢。

Confession Aftermath

It probably sounds like a bad thing, but it is certainly not.

November 12th, 2011, Saturday, we set a time to meet, 12.30pm.

Well, he asked me to give him a shout after the Thursday class about Saturday if I am around, probably he thinks I might have something more to talk to, about what we knew about each other.

So, that's today.

Grabbed something to drink in Costa beside Law School.

I thought whites usually quite particular in buying food and drinks, or even in human relationship. They seems like lack of what we call '情'.

Contrary, he bought me drinks.

I sometimes find it funny when he always get a time for afternoon coffee for a meet up instead of beer at night.

Well, I found out, he only drinks at home, not really fancy going out at night, even during his undergraduate time. Of course you could not imagine he smoke.

Pretty reversing my view towards whites.

Or probably he is so busy, working almost all the time from Friday to Sunday which the days we have no class.

Anyway, we talked about everything, literally, at least what we capable of in less than one hour time.(He gotta rush to work).

He told me he googled about Malaysia, to find out where exactly it is.

He became interested when I told him about my German celebrity crush and googled it in front of me, in the coffee shop, with his Iphone.

Yeah, we chat. Nothing more.

But what notable is, I never been that comfortable and authentic before to talk to someone in my real life. Maybe he is the only one in the real life who knows my biggest secret ever.

He leads a pretty fortunate and good life.

Well, he said we have to fight for it. He did.

We have to works for it.

Maybe something just happens sometimes.

Or maybe he is just lucky.

In life, working life, relationship life etc.

Maybe what I have to do is LIVE POSITIVELY, which what he told me when I was with him doing the Law School Open Day.

Of course we talked about works, getting pupillage.

Of course with the visa issues, I gotta worry a lot about that.

Haha, he told me the same thing I have in my mind.

Get an English and get married. Settled.

Figure out the explanation then, when it is really necessary. When it comes, you will know how to explain it.

This is the second time he tells me this. First on the first day we chatted, just we both alone, as well as today, the second day, we talked, just two of us.

But the problem is how the hell I am going to get the English.

He said he will try to do some 'homework' for me, consult his friend, because he got no such relevant experience.

Oh yeah, I told him I prefer whites XD

By the way, last night I was told by my course mate, the other Malaysian Chinese guy(I believe there are only 3 Chinese in my course, 2 guys a girl including me), the hottest lecture has mistaken him for me by calling my name 'CK' in his seminar class. Don't know if that's a compliment but =)

And, the other friend told me when the lecture took up her seminar group just to take up the class for a sicked lecture, when she asked questions no one answered, she said:' If it was my class everyone would have the answer.' Wow, not sure if she is mentioning my class, even so, I don't think that includes me but it is a compliment as a part of the class too. Haha.

Anyway, that's today.

Back to Peter.

I walked him home and passed by library, just went it and sat for two hours.

That's it.

Recalling what we talked about and having a British friend like him,

I have a smile in my heart.

Finally I can have someone to talk to, about everything.

Finally I can have someone to complain my emptiness about those silly celebrity crush.

Finally I can have someone to share about my unrevealed difficulties.

Finally I can have someone to know about what my America and Germany dream really is, I mean, what they made up of.

We are not best buddy yet, not even close.

But I hope, we will get closer by time.

Maybe he will be the reason I can find my smile easily.

Living positively, much less complicated.

Then the good things will follow.

HOPE

It is constantly calling for help when you start becoming decadent.

It is something you need to adhere to and believe in.

It falls apart when you come undone.

Live POSITIVELY, never give up on HOPE!

It is precious gift from yourself available only when believe in it.=)

CONFESSION

It is probably the most significant date in my life.

November 3rd 2011, about 2.30pm ++ after Criminal Litigation and Evidence Session.

I made my biggest and bravest confession in my life, the confession which might affects my whole and the rest of my life, to a guy I just met after I started my BPTC in Nottingham.

Peter, he is one of my course mate, as well as the same seminar group we are in.

As we have more seminars than lectures in this course, strictly speaking most of them are seminars, thus we began to knew each other, probably more and more.

I accidentally found out he is in my situation too, without him trying to cover up anything, when we walked to Ropewalk Chambers to submit our mooting bundle.

It took me a lot of courage, after contemplating a long while, avoiding to see him by giving excuses although I was the first asked him to meet up right before one week reading week holiday as I have something to consult him.

He took the first initiative to resume the 'meeting up', as I got no idea to face it, that's why I chose to pretend to forget it.

Finally, today(strictly speaking yesterday), probably I caught him in surprise too, after beating around the bush, I said something which I really can't imagine I will be saying one day.

My heart was pounding, blood was rushing, body was warming, and I did it.

Unfortunately he hadn't got much time. He thought it wasn't a good time and good place to talk about that topic too. We left it there and he suggested it is a lot more we can talk about and probably save it for the next time, couple of days later.

Anyway, with his advice, I hope I have more confident in getting my pupillage in UK. As my sponsor said, be persistent.

And hopefully couple of days later, I might be able to find out more about myself, who I am and who I really want to become.

This was a HUGE confession, in my life.

矛盾？

有时很矛盾：人因为梦想而伟大，可是人又要学会知足，才会快乐。

到底平衡点在哪里？我好像找不到。

每次跟我妈说自己想怎么样省钱，怎么努力找工作，心里其实只想听她说一句；‘没关系，你不用担心，放心年书就好’，可是她都没有。

嗯。其实我知道，她也累了，很累了。快六十岁，孩子都还没有能力为自己搞六十大寿。

对孩子撒谎撒了几十年，背着两个不懂事的孩子，自己撑起了这个家几十年。现在，不再撒谎，不再那么潇洒，我可以理解，因为她知道，孩子也大了，自己真的很累了。她也许恨不得现在孩子都有完全的经济能力，结婚生孩子组织自己的家，好让自己退休，不再挨得那么累了。

她没有说，我知道。

嗯，我要努力！=D

这个妈，已经很不了得了。

刘祖康，加油吧！总之不要天天己人忧天想太多，相信一切你要的都会发生，相信自已可以做到，只要坚持，心胸宽阔点。

皇天，不会负苦心人的。

Yes You Know You Can

Too much to do, too much to think, too much to worry.

I am back in UK and fighting for my BAR, with full of thoughts that I need to achieve but yet so far.

I know I have to be strong.

Hey, listen:

When sometimes people tell you that you can't, maybe you should at least try not to dram too big and tell yourself:'Yes right now I can't. But I can, when I do it step by step and start telling myself YES I CAN'. In this dog-eat-dog world, I will survive, at least I try.

Deep inside your heart, your intuition, somehow you know who and where you truly want to be.

Follow your intuition, your fate, your life, that will leads you right to where you will be.

Remember,

Do not ever give up even when all of the people around you do - Every of their giving up is one of your chance to Success!

People like to tell you that you can't because they do not know who you truly are.

'You can't when people stop telling you that you can't and you forget that you by nature at all can!'- By me.

=)

I.AM.HOME

Yes, August 16th 2011 Malaysia local time around 3pm, I have step my my feet back on Malaysia land again from the United Kingdom.

After about a year, never would have thought this will happens, after hurdles and hassles, probably it's about time to go home and have a rest, be it psychologically or physically.

Come back home, take a break, and strive again!!!

Bring on, you, LIFE!!!

比尔·盖茨退休前写给青年人的十条忠告~ o.O

最近很多很多事情发生，很多很多的急转弯。

知道要学会勇敢，坚强，努力，还有最重要，现实。

无意间发现了这篇：

1.社会充满着不公平的现象。
但你先不要想去改造它，只能先适应它。
（因为你管不了它。）

2.世界不会在意你的自尊，人们看的只是你的成就。
在你没有成就以前，切勿过分强调自尊。
(因为你越强调自尊，越对你不利。)

3.你只是中学毕业，通常不会成为CEO，直到你把CEO职位拿到手为止。
（直到此时，人们才不会介意你只是中学毕业）

4.当你陷入人为困境时，不要抱怨，你只能默默地吸取教训。
（你要悄悄地振作起来，重新奋起。）

5.你要懂得：在没有你之前，你的父母并不像现在这样“乏味”。
你应该想到，这是他们为了抚养你所付出的巨大代价。
（你永远要感恩和孝敬他们，才是硬道理。）

6.在学校里，你考第几已不是那么重要，但进入社会却不然。
不管你去哪里，都要分等排名。
（社会、公司要排名次是常见的事，要鼓起勇气竞争才对。）

7.学校里有节假日，到公司打工则不然，
你几乎不能休息，很少能轻松地过节假日。
（否则你职业生涯中一起跑就落后了，甚至会让你永远落后。）

8.在学校，老师会帮助你学习，到公司却不会。
如果你认为学校的老师要求你很严格，那是你还没有进入公司打工。
因为，如果公司对你不严厉，你就要失业了。
（你必须清醒地认识到：公司比学校更要严格要求自己。）

9.人们都喜欢看电视剧，但你不要看，那并不是你的生活。
只要在公司工作，你是无暇看电视剧的。
（奉劝你不要看，否则你走上看电视连续剧之路，
而且看得津津有味，那你将失去成功的资格。）

10.永远不要在背后批评别人，尤其不能批评你的老板无知、刻薄和无能..
（因为这样的心态，会使你走上坎坷艰难的成长之路。）

如果走累了，跌得痛了，深吸一口气，

不要忘记自己当时的憧憬。

不要忘记自己当时冲动的初衷。

加油！！！=）

Fair?

I know the world is unfair.

Ever since I stepped into this British land, I start realizing it although without expecting it.

It is easy, just talk a out study.

Cardiff University's way of calculating the degree marks: ONLY take those exam which is set by Cardiff Uni is taken into account. In other words, foe people like me who is doing 2+1 transfer program, only our final year is taken into account. And we do not have midterm to help us, which is mean, our WHOLE degree result is solely depends on the final and only exam we have in the end of the term in our final year in Cardiff. Like me, I am taking 4 modules, my whole LLB result is ONLY depend on the 4 days exam and 3 hour each. 12 hours decide my LLB study for 3 years.

People from other Uni (who is doing 2+1 transfer program I am talking about) can enjoy and play through their whole yer and can easily achieve 2:1, because they have taken their 2nd year(which supposedly to be helping because Brickfields Asia College gave all the 100% accurate tips in their internal exam), some even have midterm to help.

But us, nothing at all. Zero. All on your final and only exam. We gotta work damn hard for the bloody 2:1, some even can't get it.

Okay, if you say probably Cardiff Uni is a little bit higher ranked or a bit reputed or well known than others, fine, maybe it is a way to comfort ourselves.

Then let's talk about within Cardiff University, the difference between those who are doing 1+2 and 2+1. Okay, we got no midterm in Cardiff Uni, so it's fair for both 1+2 and 2+1.

But,

1+2, 2 years in Cardiff, 2nd year obviously playing the helping role. Or at least they do not have to stress that much in their 3rd year because 2 years of result of them will be taken into account.

2+1, which is like me, 1 year in Cardiff, only last and final exam, and we gotta work damn hard under effing great stress.

At the end, maybe both of us got 2:1.

But, how the hell do I suppose to prove when go for an interview?

Both of us, same Uni, same degree classification, and it will not be stated on our certificate that we are doing 1+2 or 2+1.

So, we work damn hard and they can relax as 2nd year is taken into account and obviously easier for them to get better result, and we end up the same.

Is that trying to tell me, money is damn effing important. If I can afford myself to come here for 2 years, I do not have to suffer like this for the stress.(although compared to all others 2+1 students, my effort is not really considered as an effort.LOL.

See, the world isn't fair afterall.

For instance, if you have money, many things will be easier.

'The person who believe the world is fair is an IDIOT.'

I think eventually I will grow 'more evil and evil'. LOL.

Well, as movies always show, those villains are villains because they were not treated in a way they supposed to be treated during their young age, i.e, Magneto grows evil although he has the same fate as Professor X because what they faced weren't the same.

Joker x Batman, Sandman x Spiderman etc.

Okay, stop ranting I know.

At least I am lucky, I know someone is watching over me.

Despite all the unfairness I have faced and facing(Credit Transferred Cert for BPTC, false declaration of English etc), at least I know the 'someone' will still let me have what I need to in the critical moment.

Really thank YOU.

No matter what happens, I know I will grow through it.

At least I did not work as hard as others(always the last minute happy-go-lucky me in study) and me and they are getting the same result, maybe they should be ranting or in the better position to rant.

Maybe there are some other reasons playing a role, thank YOU for everything, anything.

Appreciate what I have.

Make the best out of everything what I have.

Make use of it.

LLB result OUT

I got my result, on July 1st.

Checked with shivering hands, sweating palm, pounding hearts, and not having guts to look at my result, not even a glimpse.

Luckily, I got what I wanted, asked, hoped, yearned for.

It is just border line of getting it.

Anyway, I believe I am lucky.

I know the God likes to joke with me sometimes, no, a lot of times, but maybe it still will grant me what I need in the most critical moment.

So for all the bad luck I have seen and encountered for all these while, I believe IT is trying to tell me something, although I have no idea what it is, yet. And thank GOD for giving me what I need in my most important piece of Degree this time, first degree of my life.

Thank YOU for everything.

I know I still have more and long way to go.

Steve Jobs(贾伯斯): 我只说三个故事，不谈大道理，三个故事就好..

今天，
很荣幸来到各位从世界上最好的学校之一毕业的毕业典礼上。
我从来没从大学毕业过，说实话，这是我离大学毕业最近的一刻。

今天，我只说三个故事，不谈大道理，三个故事就好。

第一个故事，
是关於人生中的点点滴滴如何串连在一起..

我在里德学院（Reed College）待了六个月就办休学了。
到我退学前，一共休学了十八个月。那麼，我为什麼休学？
（听眾笑）这得从我出生前讲起。

我的亲生母亲当时是个研究生，
年轻未婚妈妈，她决定让别人收养我..

她强烈觉得应该让有大学毕业的人收养我，
所以我出生时，她就準备让我被一对律师夫妇收养。
但是这对夫妻到了最后一刻反悔了，他们想收养女孩。

所以在等待收养名单上的一对夫妻，我的养父母，
在一天半夜裡接到一通电话， 问他们
「有一名意外出生的男孩，你们要认养他吗？」
而他们的回答是「当然要」。

后来，我的生母发现，我现在的妈妈从来没有大学毕业，
我现在的爸爸则连高中毕业也没有。
她拒绝在认养文件上做最后签字。直到几个月后，
我的养父母保证将来一定会让我上大学，她的态度才软化。

十七年后，我上大学了。但是当时我无知地选了一所
学费几乎跟史丹佛一样贵的大学（听眾笑），
我那工人阶级的父母将所有积蓄都花在我的学费上。

六个月后，我看不出唸这个书的价值何在。那时候，
我不知道这辈子要干什麼，也不知道唸大学能对我有什麼帮助，
只知道我为了唸这个书，花光了我父母这辈子的所有积蓄。
所以，我决定休学，相信船到桥头自然直。

当时这个决定看来相当可怕，可是现在看来，
那是我这辈子做过最好的决定之一。（听眾笑）

当我休学之后，我再也不用上我没兴趣的必修课，
把时间拿去听那些我有兴趣的课。这一点也不浪漫。

我没有宿舍，所以我睡在友人家裡的地板上，
靠著回收可乐空罐的退费五分钱买吃的。
每个星期天晚上得走七哩的路，
绕过大半个镇 去印度教的 Hare Krishna 神庙吃顿好料，
我喜欢 Hare Krishna 神庙的好料。

就这样追随我的好奇与直觉，大部分我所投入过的事务，
后来看来都成了无比珍贵的经歷
（And much of what I stumbled into
by following my curiosity and intuition turned out
to be priceless later on ）。

举个例来说。当时里德学院有著大概是全国最好的书写教育。
校园内的每一张海报上，每个抽屉的标籤上，都是美丽的手写字。

因为我休学了，可以不照正常选课程序来，
所以我跑去上书写课。 我学了 serif 与 sanserif 字体，
学到在不同字母组合间变更字间距，学到活字印刷伟大的地方。

书写的美好、歷史感与艺术感是科学所无法掌握的，
我觉得这很迷人。

我没预期过学这些东西能在我生活中起些什麼实际作用，
不过十年后，当我在设计第一台麦金塔时，
我想起了当时所学的东西，所以把这些东西
都设计进了麦金塔裡，这是第一台能印刷出漂亮东西的电脑。

如果我没沉溺於那样一门课裡，
麦金塔可能就不会有多重字体跟等比例间距字体了。

又因为 Windows抄袭了麦金塔的使用方式（听眾鼓掌大笑）。
因此，如果当年我没有休学，没有去上那门书写课，
大概所有的个人电脑都不会有这些东西，
印不出现在我们看到的漂亮的字来了。

当然，当我还在大学裡时，
不可能把这些点点滴滴预先串连在一起，
但在十年后的今天回顾，一切就显得非常清楚。

我再说一次，
你无法预先把点点滴滴串连起来,
只有在未来回顾时，
你才会明白那些点点滴滴是如何串在一起的..
（you can’t connect the dots look-ing forward;
you can only connect them looking backwards ）。

所以你得相信，眼前你经歷的种种，将来多少会连结在一起。
你得信任某个东西，直觉也好， 命运也好，生命也好，或者业力。

这种作法从来没让我失望，
我的人生因此变得完全不同。（ Jobs停下来喝水）

____________________________________________________

我的第二个故事，是有关爱与失去..

我很幸运－年轻时就发现自己爱做什麼事。我二十岁时，
跟 Steve Wozniak在我爸妈的车库裡开始了苹果电脑的事业。

我们拚命工作，
苹果电脑在十年间从一间车库裡的两个小伙子扩展 !
成了一家员工超过四千人、市价二十亿美金的公司。
在那事件之前一年推出了我们最棒的作品－
麦金塔电脑（ Macintosh），那时我才刚迈入三十岁；
然后，我被解僱了。

我怎麼会被自己创办的公司给解僱了？（听眾笑）

嗯，当苹果电脑成长后，
我请了一个我以为在经营公司上很有才干的傢伙来，
他在头几年也确实干得不错。
可是我们对未来的愿景不同，最后只好分道扬鑣，
董事会站在他那边，就这样在我 30岁的时候，公开把我给解僱了。

我失去了整个生活的重心，我的人生就这样被摧毁..

有几个月，我不知道要做些什麼。
我觉得我令企业界的前辈们失望－
我把他们交给我的接力棒弄丢了。

我见了创办 HP的 David Packard跟创办Intel的 Bob Noyce，
跟他们说很抱歉我把事情给搞砸了。
我成了公眾眼中失败的示范，我甚至想要离开硅谷。

但是渐渐的，我发现，我还是喜爱那些我做过的事情，
在苹果电脑中经歷那些事丝毫没有改变我爱做的事。

虽然我被否定了，可是我还是爱做那些事情，
所以我决定从头来过。 当时我没发现，
但现在看来，被苹果电脑开除，是我所经歷过最好的事情。

成功的沉重被从头来过的轻鬆所取代，
每件事情都不那麼确定，让我自由进入这辈子最有创意的年代。

接下来五年，我开了一家叫做 NeXT 的公司，
又开一家叫做 Pixar 的公司，
也跟后来的老婆（Laurene）谈起了恋爱。

Pixar接著製作了世界上第一部全电脑动画电影，
玩具总动员（Toy Story），
现在是世界上最成功的动画製作公司（听眾鼓掌大笑）。

然后，苹果电脑买下了 NeXT，我回到了苹果，
我们在 NeXT发展的技术成了苹果电脑后来復兴的核心部份。
我也有了个美妙的家庭。
我很确定，如果当年苹果电脑没开除我，就不会发生这些事情。

这帖药很苦口，可是我想苹果电脑这个病人需要这帖药。
有时候，人生会用砖头打你的头。不要丧失信心。

我确信我爱我所做的事情，
这就是这些年来支持我继续走下去的唯一理由
（I’m convinced that the only thing
that kept me going was thatI loved what I did）。

你得找出你的最爱，
工作上是如此，人生伴侣也是如此。

你的工作将佔掉你人生的一大部分，
唯一真正获得满足的方法就是做你相信是伟大的工作，
而唯一做伟大工作的方法是 爱你所做的事..
（ And the only way to do great work is
to love what you do ）。

如果你还没找到这些事，继续找，别停顿。尽你全心全力，
你知道你一定会找到。而且，如同任何伟大的事业，
事情只会随著时间愈来愈好。所以，
在你找到之前，继续找，别停顿。（听眾鼓掌， Jobs喝水）

____________________________________________________

我的第三个故事，是关於死亡..

当我十七岁时，我读到一则格言，
好像是
「把每一天都当成生命中的最后一天，你就会轻鬆自在。
（ If you live each day as if it was your last,
someday you’ll most certainly be right ）」（听眾笑）

这对我影响深远， 在过去 33 年裡，我每天早上都会照镜子，
自问：「如果今天是此生最后一日，我今天要做些什麼？」

每当我连续太多天都得到一个「没事做」的答案时，
我就知道我必须有所改变了。 提醒自己快死了，
是我在人生中面临重大决定时，所用过最重要的方法。

因为几乎每件事－所有外界期望、所有的名声、
所有对困窘或失败的恐惧－在面对死亡时，都消失了，
只有最真实重要的东西才会留下..
（ Remember-ing that I’ll be dead soon
is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered
to help me make the big choices in life.
Because almost everything – all external expectations,
all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -
these things just fall away in the face of death,
leaving only what is truly important ）。

提醒自己快死了，
是我所知避免掉入畏惧失去的陷阱裡最好的方法。
人生不带来、死不带去，没理由不能顺心而为。

一年前，我被诊断出癌症。我在早上七点半作断层扫瞄，
在胰臟清楚出现一个肿瘤，我连胰臟是什麼都不知道。
医生告诉我，那几乎可以确定是一种不治之症，
预计我大概活不到三到六个月了。

医生建议我回家，好好跟亲人们聚一聚，
这是医生对临终病人的标準建议。
那代表你得试著在几个月内把你将来十年想跟小孩讲的话讲完。
那代表你得把每件事情搞定，家人才会儘量轻鬆。
那代表你得跟人说再见了。

我整天想著那个诊断结果，那天晚上做了一次切片，
从喉咙伸入一个内视镜，穿过胃进到肠子，将探针伸进胰臟，
取了一些肿瘤细胞出来。

我打了镇静剂，不醒人事，但是我老婆在场。她后来跟我说，
当医生们用显微镜看过那些细胞后，他们都哭了，
因为那是非常少见的一种胰臟癌，可以用手术治好。
所以我接受了手术，康復了。（听眾鼓掌）

这是我最接近死亡的时候，我希望那会继续是未来几十年内
最接近的一次。

经歷此事后，我可以比先前死亡只是纯粹想像时，
要能更肯定地告诉你们下面这些：
没有人想死。即使那些想上天堂的人，也想活著上天堂。
（听眾笑）

但是死亡是我们共同的终点，没有人逃得过。
这是註定的，因为死亡很可能就是生命中最棒的发明，
是生命交替的媒介，送走老人们，给新生代开出道路。

现在你们是新生代，但是不久的将来，你们也会逐渐变老，
被送出人生的舞台。抱歉讲得这麼戏剧化，但是这是真的。

你们的时间有限，所以不要浪费时间活在别人的生活裡。

不要被教条所侷限– 盲从教条就是活在别人思考结果裡。

不要让别人的意见淹没了你内在的心声。
最重要的，拥有追随自己内心与直觉的勇气，
你的内心与直觉多少已经知道你真正想要成为什麼样的人
（have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow already know
what you truly want to become），
任何其他事物都是次要的。（听眾鼓掌）

在我年轻时，有本神奇的杂誌叫做 《Whole Earth Catalog》，
当年这可是我们的经典读物。
那是位住在离这不远的 Menlo Park 的 Stewart Brand发行的，
他把杂誌办得很有诗意。

那是 1960年代末期，个人电脑跟桌上出版还没出现，
所有内容都是打字机、剪刀跟拍立得相机做出来的。
杂誌内容有点像印在纸上的平面 Google，
在Google 出现之前35年就有了：
这本杂誌很理想主义，充满新奇工具与伟的见解。

Stewart 跟他的团队出版了好几期的《Whole Earth Catalog》，
然后很自然的，最后出了停刊号。当时是 1970 年代中期，
我正是你们现在这个年龄的时候。在停刊号的封底，
有张清晨乡间小路的照片，
那种你四处搭便车冒险旅行时会经过的乡间小路。
在照片下印了行小字：

求知若飢，虚心若愚
（Stay Hungry , Stay Foolish）。

那是他们亲笔写下的告别讯息，我总是以此自许。
当你们毕业，展开新生活，我也以此祝福你们。

現在 Now – 賈伯斯 Steve Jobs

過去 Past Time – 賈伯斯 Steve Jobs

Courtesy from: http://www.sharing.my/note/?p=439

祸不单行

今天到了麦当劳面试，提早到达一个小时在无聊等了一个小时，从烈日高照（对，今天和昨天是我有时以来在英国最热的，一点冷风也没有，25度）等到天不作美，经理跟我说话差不多五分钟，最后什么也没有，骑着脚车顶着阴天回去。

经理说他像聘请我，（well you are well spoken and we here have never worked with Malaysian before）可是签证问题不行。因为我的visa还有一个月就要过期，他们只可以聘请至少visa还有一年的。我是今天第一位面试，第二位是一个印度男子。

经理说；‘as soon as you renewed your visa you come back to me and I will take you。’可是那可能要拿上几个月的时间，他说他明白，可是他也没办法。

嗯，就这样，回家了。

The bright side, 暂时不用去烦怎么去买到便宜实用的脚车（今天幸亏中国朋友肯借我 ，他是我第二位遇见的很好人简单的中国人），因为这一趟，又开阔了我在Cardiff的视野，去我平时没去过的地方。说真的，那里真的很美很壮观，KFC McDonald ASDA超市 Cardiff City Football Club and Stadium 全部挤在一块儿，加上周围耸立的高山，让我感觉很美国。哈哈。

今天难得早起，一口气把很多拖了很久的事干完。Defer了Bar，3点Visa appointment，拿了LLM的申请表格，解决Royal Mail。。。

路上遇见所谓来到这里后最熟的印度朋友和弟弟，充当了导游一下后回来。

Bar还是很头痛，一波未平一波又起。英文还是考不好。原本打两份工的念头暂时泡汤。Royal Mail 还不知道怎样。

真的，祸不单行。

Trouble never comes singly.

今天自己为了面试很迟睡很早起。

自己一个人，什么也不懂没准备就这样跟朋友借了脚车这样靠着脑中Google Maps 的记忆骑去一个不曾到过的地方。

自己一个亚洲人，到周围是洋人的地方面试（虽然不是第一次）。

自己一个人，懂得早起早到好过迟到。

自己一个人，把不曾有过那么多要烦的问题一个一个尝试去解决。

自己一个人，开始自立。

自从找到现在这份part time后，很久没有这样了。

开始记得，再多的祸，都会闯得过。

嗯，加油。

I dreamed, 2012

I never thought, I dreamed, 2012 was true last night.

Thunderstorm, hurricane, tsunami, turbulence, swirl, flood, everything just happened in front of me.

What's weird is, I was in secondary school that time, and what I wanna do is, go back home in my best power.

I realized, no matter what happened, no matter how desperate and how much yearn I have to live in USA or whites country, I will be missing home, going home and wanna to go home if there is world ends. This is my subconscious telling me.

Maybe I was stress, last time I was under pressure and I dreamed I against the world.

I dreamed, I had power and the few night after I learnt to control my power.

My BPTC route is getting hard, one more email comes and ask me to apply for their shit and gotta pay 110pounds. The only reason I get this is I email them in the first place asking what should I write in a column which there's no accurate and appropriate option for my case. But this was long before I even apply it and now only I get this email.

I don't know why is everything coming in my way, I don't know what to to. Seriously.

Moved

June 2oth 2011, I have moved, again.

Third time moving in Cardiff.

That day is the last day I have the contract with my school's residences.

As promised, I moved to my boss's house.

A small tiny little room, dungeon.

After few days moving, luckily with the helps from friends, after few days of damn hard cleaning, literally, every corner, I can/have to officially move in tonight.

June 20th 2011, first night in this room.

Well, I know. Everyone keeps telling me it is small when they see it. It is small. They said I can't study especially if I will be studying BPTC next year. They said that room is too small to live...

I know. It's not like I have a choice. I have to go for the cheapest, as far as my current situation is concerned.

Besides the smoking cigarette smell by my housemate beside my room that I can hardly take it, I am fine with everything else. I am totally fine with my dungeon, I like it in fact. Haha. I don't like a room with a hell lot of space.

(I will upload the photo of Before and After a.s.a.p)

And, thanks for everything for my Aber friend, you know who you are, who stayed here and planned to spend the rest of your summer in my room in Cardiff. My sincere apology for disappointing you with my size of my room that can't accommodate you. Sorry for I can't help you to move back to Aber although I can tell you are really struggling with your stuff. Besides that, thank you for EVERYTHING. If you ever had, don't feel bad for moving back to Aber. Just so you know, my previosu room wouldn't be better without your existence. Haha.

I know my mom keep on asking me to move out even before I move in, she said the whole house may be full of complicated people, since they are not student.

Well, let me try for the first few months, if I really can't, I will definitely move out.

I know my current boss is exploiting me, well, the bright side, at least I have a job while all other people are looking for job.

I will live with it.

That's my life, I will live through it.

The dungeon, I will make it my little warm room that i dreamed for since I was a child.

This should be an emotional Mandarin post but so happened my computer was playing English song, the whole post theme changed.=.=

By the way, the effing smoking smell is really a and the only hectic problem. It won't go away!!! No matter how much air freshener I sprayed! ARGH!

I can get this done, I know I can, and I will!!!

鬼叫你穷啊，顶硬上！！！

Take care, my friend.

Today I spoke to you on Facebook, unexpectedly.

I saw you available so I just pushed my luck to message you and heart pounding to think if you will reply.

I don't know if you get annoyed, at least that is what I thought at first.

Anyway, I am happy that you are willing to talk to me(you don't really reply my Facebook message - the main communication tool for both of us). You gave me your Skype when I asked.

I was damn sleepy, I postponed my shower and fought the sleep for you.

Well, it is funny to see how a man can act for the right person.

Tonight I will be starting to pack my stuff, moving to new room soon.

I don't what (should) I feel for you right now.

Anyway, thank you for chatting with me, sincerely, no matter as what.

You said you probably will be coming back to visit next year, classmates and housemates.

Alright cool. Hope to see you soon.

Take care and stay connected, my French friend.

一个人的生活

出来自己生活已经好一年了。

遇到很多事，学到很多事，知道很多。

今年暑假没回家。一考完试就拼命工作，为接下来的生活烦恼。

朋友都讨论怎么玩怎么庆祝，我就被工作绑死。

自己一个人，走在没有人认识你的街上，吹着冷风，我没有觉得孤独。

看来，我像我已经习惯一个人生活。

都结束了

终于咬紧牙根挨到了2011年6月8号，LLB Law Degree 的最后一科考试。

考完了，虽然有些放松了，可是心情开始沉重了。

开始回忆起以前刚刚踏足在这个陌生的地方，如何在这里成长，搬了一间房子又再搬，认识了人又再认识，很多很多，一年里，好的坏的，都很多回忆。

朋友们开始收拾房间整理行李，现在个个口中说的都不是考试上课，而是如何收拾房间搬行李去哪一个国家玩。

虽然今天第一天考完试就得去上班，然后还得知今天开始每一天都得上班。开始觉得累了。现在二十四小时没有睡了明天还得一早起来接朋友然后专研TOEFL然后下午上班过后后天下伦敦考试。好像自己考完了试都没有时间睡觉，好像一切一切，才刚开始。

我不知道要怎样表达我要说的我感觉到的我内心想的，因为我这个二十四小时没有睡了的脑真的很累，接下来几天还出乎意外的忙，但看到朋友们开始收拾行李然后回忆起刚刚我们不认识不打招呼的时候，刚刚开始还对这个地方陌生的时候，然后怎样去适应，成长，关系怎样去变化，人际怎样去改变，视野怎样宽阔，还有，很多很多。。。

此时此刻，我真的没有办法写出我心里真正要表达的，我脑已经不能在操作了。

没有时间去烦我接下来的生活会多无趣（全部人在Party我每晚在工作）。

可是至少现在我要说的是，过了，一切都结束了。

不是兴奋亢奋那种，而是真的很沉重认真黯然地，一切都结束了。

我真的很不敢相信，就这样，结束了。

深夜，希望以后我会记得此时此刻，我那种真的笔墨不知道怎样形容的心情。。。

C'est la vie

Everything is just seems to getting in my way. I lose the strength to fight, I lose to guts to hide, sooner or later I am gonna lose my mind!!!

Midnight, May 28th 2011, I met this Chicago guy, a really nice guy, although he is 47.

American!!! LOL

A step nearer for me to get to the land of possibility?

I don't know.

My favorite song list right now:

When You Believe - Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston

I Believe in You - IL Divo ft. Celine Dion

All by Myself - Celine Dion

The Truth - Kris Allen

Boston - Augustana

Time Will Let You Know - Robin Zander

Maybe some others songs from AAR, Daughtry, Nickelback etc. But the said songs keep on repeating on my laptop.

Combining with the imagination of the skyline of Chicago or all the skyscrapers besides the lake any side in the State, I am sure I have fallen in love with USA! Haha.

Well,

C'est la vie, for me right now.

Over you, or maybe, restart.

Well, I realized, not long ago, or a moment ago,

I am not on your Facebook page on daily basis anymore! I even forget that it was such a thing that I did every time I was on Facebook.

Maybe, just maybe, perhaps, my feeling towards you, has eventually, gradually, tardily started to fade away.

Although you replied my sincere concern about your statute book problem on the first day of exam AS A FRIEND which I never expect a reply, although it took a few days, although it gave me a surprise but anyway, the thing is, I NEVER EXPECT YOUR REPLY AND I DID NOT FEEL A THING EVEN IF YOU REALLY DO NOT REPLY.

Maybe I can say, at this point of life, I am so over you right now.

Nope, don't tell me it is a tell tale sign about anything although what happens between us, the tempo, the pace, the story is coincidentally incidentally similar as the development of my favorite German TV series. (Did I mention that you look alike with one of the actor inside or maybe that is why I have crush on you, I don't know.)

Well, I am still under my extreme exam stress and great pressure of my current uncertain life. I got no time for you or the thing like that right now. Also, YOU are precisely exactly the thing that I do not need right now. I don't know if the feelings has faded away, for real, or it was just suspended. Anyhow, at least I am not really obsessed with you, bugged by anything about you anymore right now.

Yes, I kept emphasized on 'right now'. I do not know what's going to happen next, no one can tell.

Whatever it is, I just hope, besides my damn 'hanging in the middle of no way' life turns better and well, you and me(of course including my exam), just forget everything that had happened, leave the rest to whoever or whatever in control. We never know what will happens, so we just go along the ride. IT will leads our way. If we are lost, we will find our way back.

US, YOU and ME, just have to back to the starting point again, take the first step, to be a friend, from start, in the first place.

RESTART OUR LIFE.

When you BELIEVE

I know I am not extraordinary. I know my route is not as easy as others. I know I am not that smart. I know I have to learn more than others. I know I am not as lucky as others.

Well,

无论好事坏事，自有它发生的原因。Everything happens for reasons. 只要相信，无论发生什么事，都是好事。Things are what you want them to be. Life is all about how you shape it.

Coincidence, Doom - are just something that you have not see the reasons behind.

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."— Lewis Carroll :)

EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.=D

Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end.

I believe.

'There can be miracle, when you believe.'- When You Believe, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kfpE8xYBmY

And, Celine Diona ft ll Divo - ' I believe in you.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_58VsShAHDY&feature=related

Who tells you "YOU CAN'T" is WRONG!

My friend:

'ChoKang: stay strong ok. really don't give up. dont.'

Yes, I won't.=D

FML

Seriously, I have no idea how to deal with everything now.

Finished my 1st paper, seriously got no time, then got my IETLS result, do not need the requirement....

Damn EMO,

FUCKING DAMN MY LIFE!!!!!

I got a bad feeling that I gonna get a bad result for my exam as well. Sigh.

No one understand my stress, 2+1 transfer, previous years all don't count. And now the IETLS again, damn damn damn!!!

My life, has back to the position again - hanging in the middle of no way.

By the way, you, sat only one person next from my left today on the first day exam. Your statute book has problem, I wish I could help, but I really got no time. But somehow, I felt like I am so over you, for some moment, But of course, I treat you as a friend, always, if you do the same way.

Maybe something happens for reason, but I don't know what it means, seriously. (I mean my life)

Calm Before the Storm

Just finish chatting with my mom on Skype.

And, the thing is, just all of a sudden, she told me many things that she never told me before.

Family politics, her thought about my father side...

Yeah, we did chat about this as I grow, deeper and deeper, but never this deep.

Maybe great power come with great responsibilities, quote from Spiderman.

I grew up, almost into a man now, I know.

Many things aren't like before, there're a lot I gotta learn, I gotta know, I gotta deal with.

I had almost the same chat with my second aunt before on Mothers' Day. And, yeah, I know, the older I grow, the more I should, I can, I suppose to know.

The whole thing surrounds one and the only one - FAMILY.

Say, how should I care and concern about my sister's doing, how's my future will be, how's everyone(cousins) change in the relationship with each other even though we grew up together, even with friends too. Something, I just can't chat with them, I mean, best friends, no matter how best we are, as we grew up, the direction we heading different, the environment we grew up in is different too. Maybe something, you just gotta talk to somebody, someone that understands you more on particular issue.

Not that you are not friends, or best friends anymore, we are still that close, at least I believe, just something, the further we goes, the more we need to understand, the more difference we have.

Hey, I am having my LLB FINAL in my life tomorrow! First paper! And previous 2 years don't count AT ALL!!! Ironically I can still blog here, as always, never panic before exam. Gotta run now.

Calm before the Storm. Well, at least I never felt so good after have a chat with my mom. Maybe somehow, somewhat, she motivates me, in some way. LOL

一个留学生，准备考试

最近这几天都往图书馆跑，一去，就去一整天，开门到关门，大大小小属于学校的法律图书馆都给我去完了。

今天，也是一样，只是前一晚在没有打算下到了朋友家过夜，到现在差不多晚上７点，还没有洗澡。

朋友借了我她的IPOD，她说听一些CLASSICAL MUSIC 然后把那首歌不停地重播，就可以集中精神。

一开始还没有什么，突然天开始暗（虽然现在昼长夜短，５点早上天亮，直到9点半晚上才天暗，还听说会到有一天晚上11点天还是亮的。）
嗯，回来，看着外面灰色的天，听着周杰伦＜不能说的秘密＞－｀脚踏车｀，不听地重播，看着自己在22年来那么认真甚至提早准备考试（虽然对好多人来说我已经很迟开始了，还有，当然中间有不专心，上FACEBOOK，发呆等等）突然心情很奇怪，不知道是低落，想念（人和物，马来还是美国甚至欧洲），还是什么。

刚推了在最后一张测验前一完的工作（虽然我很想答应阿婶，可是又不知道自己行不行），像孩子般地开心微笑语气告诉了阿婶我不用回国的消息（虽然很多东西好象也还是很不肯定，尤其是英文测验成绩），听得出她也替我开心。。。 恩，现在可以做的，也只是抱着希望去相信，相信一切都会顺顺利利，希望老天爷会手下留情，希望明天会更好。接下来必须要做的，也就是努力考好成绩。

哦，今天在FACEBOOK在发现之前朋友说可能申请UNDER LOCAL U去美国不知道干嘛的（本地大学的其中一种PROGRAM），他们在前几天出发了，四个月。加油吧！呵呵，大家真的慢慢长大了，以前一班小孩子只是跟家人各自去不同的地方游玩，现在从自己到不同的州念书；旅行，到各自飞到世界不同的国家。迟些，就是工作，家庭。呵呵，看着以前和你一起玩一起上课的小朋友现在各自持着不同的梦想，分道扬镳地自己飞到一个完全陌生的地方。。。。我们的路，还长呢，很多事情也才刚刚开始。。。＝D

恩，好了，在这个老外的图书馆，电脑没有中文字打的，(But I can type a lot of £££ instead of GBP, LOL), 只是自己偶然找到ALTERNATIVE，不多写了，该快点在图书馆关门前念到多少就多少，晚餐就迟些吃吧。

音乐在耳边重复地响着，一个人静静地在念书，笔在纸张上不听地写着, 眼睛不断在电脑课本笔记之间转动着。很典型在电视剧里可以看到的外国留学生活。

如果有摄影师把自己摄录下来，配上音乐，真的很电视剧。





我在听着那首曲的LINK：http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV9huiYIu1A

STRESS

Evening about 9pm++ UK time, on MSN, I saw the little brother of mine in Malaysia online.

He send me message instantly. Yeah, I can feel he is about to talk to me when I see his online notification pop up on my screen. LOL.

He asked me to check my Facebook's email. "read and need help" "damn long message I sent you", that the words he used. I said I was busy at that time and I read it a while ago, yeap, it was really long, for him to send me a message like this, maybe he is seriously down, or bored. LOL.

It was a reply since he Skype me for the third time and told me he is not studying now and I asked him about more detail about his life. He took this long to reply, well, he said he never check Facebook email constantly.

He was telling me about his current life, not complaining, not ranting, sounds very much like regretting.

He was stressed, lost, I can tell. So am I.

At least he willing to type that long message, it is probably sounds he is getting a little bit serious.

And, maybe he is really in trouble right now, as he will only get to me when he i really in deep shit and as he said, swanked and bragged, 'true friends are only needed when there's trouble'. Well, to certain extend this is true but he did it maybe a little bit too literally perhaps. LOL.

I turned into a serious face(although I was already serious and wasn't smiling in the first place) after I read his message, thinking a way to advise or to help him.

Ever since I came here, I grew up, or maybe, growing up.

I learnt, I knew, I realized, literally, things weren't that easy, that straight forward.

I endured, I hang in right there, I moved along.

The exam stress now has been torturing me since 2 or 3 weeks ago.

I have never in my life for once start my exam revision this early like this year, which is about 1 month in advance.

This year is different, really different.

Went to library all day for past few days, midnight sitting in front of PC as well as a little bit of STUDYing, alone in the room, stressing about exam, fighting sleep, panic over exam 1 weeks+ before exam. This is not a life that I have ever imagined before in past few years.

IELTS, Visa(Oh yeah, I received the email on Thursday saying the University's Registry office willing to amend my CAS letter's date for me=D, maybe that's a sign indication or whatever you call it for me to my life is turning better now, who knows =D), BPTC admission, Inns of Courts, my future plan, my American dream...

There're so much to worry about. Forget about nonsense dream, IELTS is the crucial essential important the key to the rest of my plan. I can't afford to screw it.

God bless I can get through it.

Well, what have done is done, I can do nothing about it right now.

Finger crossed for everything to go in the way I want. At least won't turn out to be a huge obstacle.

Maybe I've just gotta use the favorite quote from my 'hubby' Michael Yang -'Don't worry' and hoping the law of attraction works when I really need it by believing. By the way, the lyrics in the song 'When You Believe' by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston is truly meaningful and that's exactly what I need right now.

Stress, I know I can handle it just like how I deal with my relatively suckz life.

I can't wait exam to be over.

Oh yes by the way, in regards of the love relationship, you know, L.O.V.E, teenager's biggest vexation, as a matter of fact, I got no time for you, even I am a little bit confused right now.

I will deal with you soon after I am ready for it. Or, when there's tell tale sign telling me it's the right time and there's right person. But what I gotta say now is, celebrity crush is really damn stupid which unfortunately happens to me all the time. American Idol, German Soap Opera etc =.=

Speaking of which, YOU, I have really ran out of ideas about how to deal with you. As I said, I am confused with these (love like admire or merely a naive ignorant stupid celebrity crush) and as well as what you really want after what we have been through. If we really are, you know, the one, destined together, which is somehow I don't think it's possible or virtually true but no harm looking forward or anticipating it even imagine or believing it. If we really are, I know, I believe, we will get there, together, IN TIME.

Oh yeah my little younger brother who lost in his way in the middle of no where, hang in right there. Talk to me if anything, you know I will treat you better than you could ever imagine. (I know you will just reach me when you are either bored, or no one bothered, or in some serious matter) I got no time to reply you now but I will do it soon and yeah, EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE. No worries.

It has been a while

It has been a while.

It has been a while that I never come online using my own laptop.

It has been a while that I never come back to my room.

It has been a while that I never study this hard this serious, or was never before.

It has been a while that I had my last exam.

It has been a while that I start revision this early, one month before exam, or also, was never before. Maybe one month for you is too late but for me, my first time.

It has been a while I never spoke to you.

It has been a while I had this kind of feeling towards you again.

I miss you.

睡觉

最近睡觉，都不是一下就睡着。躺在床上差不多要一个小时才入睡。

不知道是不是压力，头脑不停在烦在思考，所以根本放松不到地去睡觉。

这两天早睡（凌晨12点1点），都不会一觉醒来天亮。

总是觉得自己中间翻来覆去，这里痒那里痒，还是什么的。

就是睡不好。

今天早上五点半就醒来，想开始准备然后温习。哪知道赖在床上半个小时后不小心突然又睡到十一点半十二点才起身。

最近昼长夜短，五点三十五分天开始亮，差不多晚上九点天才全暗。

今天那么早起床，赖在床上时忽然发现，原来自己有那么大的孤独感。也许是早上凌晨的时间效应。

快，真的要温习了。

虽然现在有多panic, helpless还是什么。

总得要温习。

Dying

On April 26th 2011 5:51am Malaysia time, the long lost little brother of mine Mr Francis Chan called me on Skype, out of my expectation. This is probably the 3rd time he call me on Skype, but it has been a while seen his last call. He said he thought of long time never talk to me and thus go onto the Skype and chat with me this time, nah, I knew he just get bored when no one he can talk to wanna talk to him and I am his final resort.

My main point is, he told me, he is not studying now, 游手好闲。

Well, so far he hasn't been giving his best is studying I know, and hence he can get through the exam or something.

Whatever it is, today is my first day starting a little bit of studying for my coming exam, it is less than 1 month!!! Not much have done today though, but I was seriously got terrified by the fact that he got nothing to do now mostly due to his study.

Gosh, I was already panic and helpless after I start planning my study today although it ended up nothing. When I see his condition situation or whatever you call it right now, I am totally scared.

Man, what I am supposed to do now to finish my study in time? What can I do if I can't get through it this time?!

Oh My God.

I am dying....

Untitled

It's still stuck and suckz.

I came back from work not long ago.

Today, got a prank call. LOL. Maybe I can find it on Youtube one day.

And, my dishes for my supper tonight is the bigger portion again, which I do not expect.

I do not which chef is helping me or did they actually intend to help or what.Maybe it was the Head Chef who helped me when I went for dish washing one day. I don't know.

Well, my life is really temporarily straw.

Hopefully, I believe, things just haven't turn well yet, it will, one day.

I will put on a great show in my life, one day!!!

事情s

最近发生了很多事。

突然间太多太多的事，措手不及。

今天在Facebook上突然po了一个status抱怨学校突如其来一个‘mistake’造成我得回马renew visa，突然很多朋友都关心我问候我。

就算他们没有留下任何comments，原来他们也有去把那里的每一个comment给念完。

今天又有两个housemate回家了, 这里有三个星期的Easter Vacation， 很多人都回家。

送了他们上的士后，剩下的一个British Born India housemate 突然也告诉我说他看到了我的Facebook，问我还好吗。

跟他说完了，他还突然给了我个拥抱。

突然，有一种很温馨的感觉。

虽然在这里抱过很多个人，有时候在对的时候对的拥抱，会很感动的。

后来也跟他，甚至曾经跟好几个英国朋友说我得考IETLS，很多都说：“You speak good English, no worries.” 甚至有些也认为我没有必要去考。

呵呵，我也想no worries,可是有时候很多事情后来会怎样发生，没有人知道。

很多很多的事，突然想停下来什么也不要做，喘一口气，什么也不要想。

忘记该忘记的，收拾一下自己，准备考试。

有时候，

事情就是喜欢来得那么突然。

当相信可能已经不再可能的时候

有时候，

不是你不去相信，而是无论你多么相信，它还是不会发生。

曾经告诉过自己，

相信就好，相信什么都可以发生。

呵呵，有时候也不知道是不是自己太天真，太无知。

很多事情，天总是喜欢跟你玩躲猫猫，很多事情，天就是喜欢跟你开玩笑，很多事情，它就是会让它事与愿违。

无论你多努力多相信多拼命地告诉自己去相信，

不可能，终究是不可能；不会还会是不会。

曾经真的以为自己多坚强多勇敢多厉害风吹雨打吹不倒打不死，

有时候现实来了，总是要低头。

或者，自己从来没有勇敢地抬头过。

有人说低头不代表认输不代表放弃，

很多时候人定胜天，

呵呵，有时候这句话，不过是口出狂言，有多少人真的可以成功勇敢面对过，斗得过那个天。

现实来了，就是要低头。

我不知道它要不要你抬头，要不要你认输，

可是无论自己怎样努力跟自己讲Everything happens for a reason，

那一刻的痛，那一刻的烦恼，真的会冲昏整个头。

那时候，你也不知道，到底它的reason在哪里。

可是肯定的是，痛已经很深，伤害还是已经造成。

当相信可能已经不再可能的时候，

我该往哪里走。。。

过渡期

有好几天都没有上来了。

这几天，其实心很痛的。这几天，应该是过渡期。期末，应该还要有一段时间。

没关系，我会好的。

我也会过得好好的。

又不是第一次，早已经习惯很久了。

大学所有lecture已经结束了。连压力重重的assignment, tutorial 和class test, 全部都没有了。

Easter Break 来了，期末考，也跟着来了。

这全部，

就是告诉我，要没有机会再见到她了。

这几天终于提起勇气跟她说活，也许是英文的confront她。

这几天，

自己真的很累，心很痛。尽量让自己早睡不要想太多，起来第二天，又是美好的一天。

我说，尽量，所以我尽量让每一天的早晨可以能够完全忘记她。我知道我得尽快做到。

其实有时候，我真的不知道这个世界上要有爱情来干嘛。

自己一直以来，从小到大，都以为没有什么可以难倒自己。就算生活再难再苦，我咬紧牙根还是一样可以学会自己怎样闯过去。

可是那个无聊的爱情，来的时候，真的，我认输了。那种心痛，真的会很痛，真的是那种痛彻心扉，虽然这不是第一次的痛，虽然这种痛，我有过很多次。

有时候男人，总是需要一个女人，人，总是需要一半才完整。

很多事情我相信，只要相信就有奇迹。

可是爱情，应该不可以。无论你多相信，不会就是不会，不可能就没有可能去变可能。

拿了好几天来疗伤了，应该有了两三天，不知道还要多少天来痊愈，可是告诉自己该够了，堂堂男子汉，拜托，还有很多事情等着我去做。还有很多事，我得去做。

虽然现在还和她在那边吵着热战着，

可是我知道会过去的。

嗯，一切都会好的。

这几天天气都很好，好多天了，从还没开始confront她到现在。

嗯，一切都会过去的。

再见亦是朋友就好，我要求就只是那么简单。

塔斯马尼亚的企鹅，放心，看来我又一次接受事实了。其实自己真的不实第一次，我已经习惯很久，很久了。

阿那个Aberystwyth的朋友，不要看小我，我过得一样好。记得我说过：‘LOVE is just a stupid thing in the world that should deserves the least concern of mine’:D

其实我还是很不明白，为什么这个世界上还有人可以为了爱情要生要死。

嗯，大考来了，才是现在该烦的，然后还有很多很多事情得去烦，去做。

感谢老板愿意帮我安排暑假工，还有未来一年的宿舍。

跟他confirm了一次，他说他是认真的。

当然，我也感谢老天让我认识她，很有之前很多很多个她，虽然我也不明白为什么。

Well,

什么事情发生都好，我还是相信，

Everything happens for a reason.

美国，你等我！ =D

YOU

Alright, I totally don't understand, especially YOU right now.

I went to LiDL with bunch of my friends, on the way back home, we came out from LiDL and I saw you, coincidentally walking towards my direction, but not me.

It is a rainy day, it was drizzling.

I know you saw me, I saw you too. At first glance I can't really recognize you, but after I took my second look, yeah I am sure it was you, wearing a jumper short pants covering you head with the hood.

I saw you and frankly, I wanted to talk to you, at least take the initiative too, that is what I have been thinking. and decided all these days.

Unfortunately, I can tell, you pretend like not seeing me, man, what do you expect I can do then? Stop you and say hi and talk to you? ( Yeah maybe this is what I should do but I just don;t know how)

You are the one asking people around why didn't I talk to you anymore and now when you see me, you pretend like not seeing me and just ignore me every time. What do you want exactly?

So we just passed by each other, side by side, just like that.

Alright, look, I know maybe it was my fault in the first place, and maybe that turns you into my enemy with full of hates on me or whatever.

All these days, I knew, I realize there is no point doing this, I have make up my mind, to talk to you, although I am not sure if I have the guts.

It was not the first time now when you and me bump on street and we pretend like strangers.

Trust me, I really wanna talk to you now, I really do.

After all these days I spent time thinking, I really can't give a damn shit to what happened before. It is totally up to you now.

Everyday I go to class, I have been thinking how to open the conversation although ends up nothing. Probably I do not have the guts, or maybe you just don;t give a damn shit to me too now.

And you missed class sometimes, including today, after I have also made up the same mind to take the courage to talk to you, but we ran into each other and you pretend like nothing.

Well, seriously, I really can do nothing about it.

I have sent facebook message to you, few times, although only once which is the latest to ask you if you wanna talk about it, talk about us. As I expected, I don't get a reply and now you showing me your face like that every time we see each other. Sorry, I really don't know what do you want.

My friend said every time he saw us, we were just showing the grumpy face each time we saw each other. I am not sure about this, but whatever it is, I really have ran out of ideas.

Maybe it's your turn to hate me now.

Maybe you are trying to avoid me, which I don't know why.

Or maybe you are showing some temper tantrum or whatever you call it to me.

You know what, I won't be saying I don't care, in fact I do.

I just don't know what to do about it right now.

It seems like the whole thing is not only within my manipulation as it was.

It's not like I can change the whole position right now.

The end.

感激我遇见

今天第二天，也是‘毕业’后的第二个星期，独挑大梁跟老板排档。

没有什么，一切还是这样的。

只是今天有个洋鬼子来店里买外卖，主动跟我聊起天来，还谈得很投契。他，帅帅的，身上有少少的酒精味，不知道是不是high了一点。

他问我念什么，又说他有两个cousin，一个是为一个很出名的case(其实我也不知道什么case，只是他说得好像很出名）打官司的Barrister，一个是young judge。而他，半个Irish，在UWIC念Fine Art, 以后想当Pilot。

重点是，他是我在店里遇到那么多位洋人，第一个洋人主动跟我说话的。“ A Busy Night?”开始打开话题，然后问我这里是不是也有个女的在念Pharmacy。我问他：‘怎么啦？你喜欢她吗？要不要我介绍给你认识？哈哈”他笑了笑说没有，只是他是这里的常客，时常来都看到那个女生而已。哈哈。之后就这样继续聊下去，直到他餐好了被下一个客人打断。

还有，今天也是我第二天，跟现在住在我Uni Hall房间的那位美国纽约女生聊天。也意想不到的，聊的很投契。之前只是知道我的房间被一个洋女孩住了，没什么反应，然后知道她是从美国纽约来的，想尽办法找尽借口终于认识了她。第一次，就这样敲她的门然后聊了起来。第二次，这一次，我又跟朋友回到Uni Hall，口口声声说要去找找那个美国女生，到最后都没有。总是不能每次就这样贸贸然地敲人家的门吧。今天，也没打算真的有那种勇气，可是就刚好我在我朋友的房门，她刚好出来，看到我也'hey...HEY....'了一下，应该我不时常出现，所以就礼貌上说了几句，后来我也找了借口跟她去了厨房聊天。真的很投契，她也很爽朗，只是我得赶巴士回来上班，不能久聊。可是就这样，拿了她的Facebook，希望可以真的真的保持联络。

Well,其实她并不会很美。只是因为她是来自美国。。。。哈哈。。哦，她还到过我很想很想很想去的地方，德国就算了，还要指定是Dusserdolf 和Cologne！！！

她问我为什么那么喜欢那边，我说我也不知道，就好像为什么我那么喜欢美国。哈哈。。她说，我真的很random。哈哈。对，我也觉得。LOL

Wooi!!!我的重点，

有时候我真的很相信，everything happens for reason.

今天跟朋友在市中心走了几圈，问来问去。。。为了搞定那些以后BPTC的东西的手续。。。

雨天，如果是我自己一个，我又可以很emo了。。。

Everything happens for reason.

我上班的时间表，被安排每逢星期三，就是每逢阿婶休息的那一天。所以跟我排档的，就是老板。

也许是因为这样，我有机会跟他聊。就这样，我跟他说更多，他知道我更多，我知道他经历很多。

跟他聊到我接下来暑假的房子。我就只是问问他我目前唯一找到的房子远不远，值不值得。

刚开始，他只告诉我，慢慢看慢慢比较。后来接下来几句，他说’又或者如果你找不到你可以问问我’。后来被客人打断了。

其实我一开始的念头也就只是想问问他有没有认识谁要出租房间，那我可以省下中介费。

接下来他突然跟我说；‘没关系，我跟你找。我帮你搞定。’

我吓到。真的吗？

我不敢很相信，所以我还还跟他说我要怎样的要求，去肯定我没有听错。

他问我我在乎房间大小还是租金还是什么，我说便宜又近学校就好。他说没问题，他明白，房间不需要大的，有床有桌有橱就好。他说他可以帮我找到就算没有包水电费都可以便宜过我现在找到的那间的。

接下来他还说，我还帮你找份工。包你可以赚到钱。（我也顺便告诉他我决定暑假我不回了）

他说，年轻人不要怕，只要你肯努力就好。

其实那时候，甚至到现在，我也不知道该说些什么。

所以我在语无伦次，句子不通。真的，我很感激他。

没错，他没有说什么帮我包吃包住的，可是自己一个人在外国，一个跟你认识也许只有那一个月没有任何血缘关系的人肯这样帮你，我真的不知道该说什么。

也许他帮我找的甚至连我现在的房间都比不过，也许他帮我找的工不时什么上流社会白领族，可是我知道，忍忍就好，生活多难多苦，还是要过，一样这样过。会过去的。

今天才发现，那天帮我洗碗的那个厨师，是大厨。今天我原来有四盒宵夜（平时我是三盒的-两盒饭，一盒肉），不知道又是不是他帮我加大的。

接下来有两个星期六原本当班的女孩不得空，老板也问了我可以代班吗。

我不知道他是不是第一个问我，

只要我知道，他真的努力在帮我，我没有要求很多，我真的很感激。

只要我知道，他对我说；‘那样你就可以赚多点钱啦！’

我微笑了一下。

未来的路还很长，

我也不知道后来会怎样，

不过现在，

真的，

感激我遇见。

无论是谁。

Forever Charmed

March 27th 2011, 11pm ++.

I had finally been finish watching the whole series of American Series - Charmed.

From Uni Hall to Student Village, from Youtube until I found out http://tv.blinkx.com/ , from a little boy to a pretty grown up guy now, I learned a lot.

Although it's all about witchcraft in the show, it also inserts a lot of sisterhood, friends, love, morality, reality...The very thing I learned about - Everything happens for a reason.

I had been learning the American English, American pronunciation, American slang and everything to do with America from there. That's one use of it besides watching they using their amazing gift power to fight over demon. LOL.

By the way, my friend said I speak pretty much exactly like this person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NttJWWUvXPw&feature=player_embedded

I take it as a compliment anyway, as he is speaking a total American accent. Haha

Well, there's so much yet to learn, so much yet to go through, so much to see, I'll be ready for it.

Gotta think of what show to watch every lunch and dinner, or shouldn't be watching anymore until exam is over...Yeah, I'll sort it out. Everything will comes out on its own way as it always does.

Prue Piper Phoebe Paige, the Charmed Ones, the Charmed power that taught me in other way, will definitely be missed.

They will be, Forever Charmed.

累

今天真的很累。

第一次。这一次。

不停往我放的肮脏碗碟，两大盆热水，穿着手套，就这样洗碗碟洗了几个小时。

自己真的很累，站了好几个小时，就是不停的洗，腰真的很酸，很酸，真的。当时不停告诉自己，没关系，咬紧牙根，可以的。

一开始由一位中国女学生告诉我该做什么。吃完饭，就去包虾饼，然后开始洗，也许半个小时后他们说停，等到八九点才继续洗。我不明白为什么，也许他们认为堆积一起才方便。所以在厨房帮忙，上餐，包装。。。

穿上了围裙，带上了手套，就是这样，电视里看到的典型洗碗工人。

我知道接下来自己会做一些自己从来没有想象过回去做的事。

开工前阿婶看见我，对我喊了一声‘CK，加油’，我心里面真的流泪了。

嗯，无论多辛苦，告诉自己要加油。

还好，厨房有个厨师也很好。教了我怎么洗后，到最后还怕我洗的太慢迟下班，最后还索性有些他自己下手洗。连今晚的宵夜，他还吩咐厨师煮了大分的给我。（就是客人的分量，平时我们只是一半的分量。）

其实其他人也很好，阿婶，她老公不断问我还行吗，辛苦吗。

中国女生和那位厨师最后得空的时候也有帮我。

我也看到，有时人真的很复杂。突然那位阿婶老公除了问我还行吗，突然跟我说老板是这样，‘使得就使。’

我没有说什么，我也不知道大家在想什么。

我只知道，做好本分就好。

下班前，阿婶还问了我一次我还好吗。我知道，她，或者他们其实觉得我很懂事很乖。有点同情我。

不停问我还好吗辛苦吗会累吗。

我也只是笑笑，然后硬着头皮告诉他们，嗯，我很好，不辛苦。柜台厨房各有各的好。我知道自己并没有这么想。我只知道，只要这样说，才会有下次，有工作。

今天周末真的很多碗碟，不停的在赶。突然手机响了，马来西亚的阿姨打来。

我不是很会说谎的，所以我没说什么，只是告诉她我在工作很忙，迟点再打回给她。

回到房，跟平时很不一样地马上就去洗澡洗衣。

以前无论工作多累，衣服脱下就好，自然有人帮你打理。现在为了省那一点点的洗衣费，所以多在自己洗衣服。自己真的很累，要很酸，人很累。

我知道自己前天就开始感冒发热气了，今天还是无论多不愿意，还是去打工。告诉自己不要这样给人不守信的印象。忍忍就行了。

昨天到了那个我过来英国之前舅母介绍住在Cardiff的缅甸女子。和圣诞节那天一样，她出手还是那么大方，吃得好抱。盛夏的她还全部让我带回来，我有些给了朋友了，实在太多。

昨晚到Uni Hall过夜，今天他们趁着春天好天气有阳光在Uni Hall的花园野餐。知道自己今天要上班，所以提早离开，走了那条自己很久没有走的一段路。

他们玩得很开心，开心就好，其实世界上还没有什么值得去伤心的。

自己提早离开，没有说原因，没有必要，没有人在乎。我知道自己的路跟人不一样。

今天似乎听说她一直以来都有对象，一直对她抱着的希望，其实好像就只是假象。

一路上，告诉自己没有事，没关系。

路途没有变，所有东西还是一样。也许只是花开了很多。

不到一年，却自己身边很多东西都在变，都在换。

洗衣时洗好的衣服总是一直对掉在地上又要我重洗。刷子跌倒肮脏的地方。。。

为什么世界事情怎么都喜欢针对我。

昨天在那位缅甸女子家里吃晚餐，跟几位也是同样大学算关系不错的朋友聊天，发觉自己有时候不知道是成熟还是心境老，觉得他们要看的世界，还有很多；或者只是，大家有这不同的想法，不同的目标。

感冒不舒服加上腰酸背痛，突然这里被从马来打来的阿姨来电打断，因为不会说谎，所以还是说了自己今天负责洗碗。我没有说我会多不舒服多累多辛苦,因为对我来说真的没什么。

今天英国Summer time 开始了，凌晨12点后直接跳去2点，少了一个小时。

今天，

其实自己真的很累很累，真的，只好自己提醒自己，记得要让自己吃苦，才会学会咬紧牙根去忍去闯。

我的路很难走，可是它会不一样。

我在长大

我在长大。

今天傍晚下课后回到房发现有个missed call，手机里没有记录，不知道是谁的号码。所以没有去理。

后来晚上十一点多才发现又有两个missed call。一个八点多，一个九点多。还有一封信息。

原来老板打来，问我星期六可不可以上班。

发现missed call和简讯，趁着店还没有打烊的半小时，飞奔了过去，告诉老板没问题我行。

其实星期六我将不会在柜台，而是在厨房帮忙。洗碗还是什么的。。。还不知道。

老板说因为星期六那位学生不得空，所以先问了我，如果我不行，他再去问别人。

我知道，

也许，昨天跟老板聊了那么多；

也许，老板他在尽量想办法帮我；

也许，我会不喜欢厨房里的工作。

也许，我妈应该会叫我不要接，因为她曾经吩咐过我太辛苦就不要做。（我没有打算告诉我妈）

我也知道，

其实没什么大不了，其他学生也这么做，其中还有一位是女的。

其实我在厨房帮忙就只是回来得马上洗衣服，衣裤不能循环再用，这样而已。

其实，

我得承认的事实，我得学会去挨去做，无论自己多不喜欢。

带着那种从心里面笑出来要停也停不到的微笑，

也许老板阿婶都有发觉到，

那种又多一天工资的微笑，

就算做的是以前在马来从来也不会想象到不会接的厨房工，拿的是肮脏碗碟，

我一样会笑。

我得笑。

也许真的，我在长大，会为了小事而满足，会学会咬紧牙根面对生活去打拚，去努力，

无论大小事。

我在长大。

我老板

最近都在为自己暑假该不该留下还是回国而烦。在为自己找着一条最省钱的路。
得为自己计算所有可能的开销来作比较，得自己一个人到处去找资料，去问人，得自己一个人去安排，自己一个人去做。

很久没有上来了。

刚刚下班，带着站累了的脚，硬把它操的身子，走了回来。

这里礼拜开始，我只需上一天的班，可是工资加了5镑。这个礼拜开始，自己一个人，因为每次我上班的那天就是那阿婶休假的那一天。

全部都自己一个了，之前那阿婶做的，我都需要自己一个搞定。只有跟老板拍档。

也就这样，跟老板聊了起来。

他真的很健谈，餐厅里每一个都很好人。

聊了才知道，原来这个世界很小，原来跟我有同样遭遇的人很多，原来我很幸福。我老板，活生生的一个例子。

他说以前他从香港飞到英国念书，只交了一个学期的学费，手上拿着剩下的300镑，就这样挨到了今天。

看着他，我看到自己，我看到憧憬，我看到希望，我看到谦卑。

他说当时的他，一下飞机第二天就努力找工。

接下来的日子，就是不停的为生活拼搏，挨累挨苦，没有放弃。

他说当时的他，知道自己并不是谁，没有什么本事，所以告诉自己一定要为自己的未来努力。

他说当时的他，吃的就是便宜又大包装的意大利面。朋友问他有那么好吃吗，他说便宜填饱肚子就好，当时的他，吃东西的目的就是这样。

我问他现在有为自己的成就骄傲光荣吗？

他说还好，其实每个人都可以做到，只是要不要。是老土了一点，可是从他口中出来，我特别感受到那种真正的毅力坚持。

他说当时的他也想吃好的去玩好的，可是知道自己是怎样的情况，还是把钱省了下来。

吃的玩的，几时都有。

其实就只是因为他问我打不打算留下考BPTC，我把整个来龙去脉告诉了他，话题就这样延伸。就算被顾客被来电打断，他都还有好几次拉回那个话题。

他说假如我暑假打算留下，他可以帮我安排让我全职。

他说现在其实我想在上多几天班，他可以帮我安排。

他说他认为我应该留下，至少可以赚些用的，减轻家里的负担。

他说我以后也应该打算在英国留下，至少赚英镑比赚马币来得好，可以让爸妈好过的日子。

他说他会尽量帮忙，他问我干嘛不早点跟他商量。

他说他这样，也只是因为他看到年轻的自己，他很明白，我现在在想什么。

他告诉我，不要怕，年轻就是要肯拼肯挨肯搏。

因为我们不一样，没有别人好命。别人烦的也许就只是功课也许是想家。

我们没有资格，我们知道我们要受的伤比较多，要烦的更阔。

今天店里差不多要打烊，突然有顾客涌来，所以迟了一点才下班。

回家前，老板说他得发工资给我，好让我可以去想别人炫耀一下。我知道他想说的，就只是叫我加油，开心的去过日子。

临走前电话突然响了，我要跑去接，他突然阻止了我，说不用了。迟下班了你还要接，你还要做吗？

我笑了。

这篇po也许没有什么感动，没有什么惊天地，泣鬼神。

我老板也许不是什么大人物拥有什么大事业。

可是在他身上我看到，

小人物的大梦想；

平凡的不平凡。

Idioms

Life is a roller coaster. You never know when it's going up and when it's coming down. It will always comes down after it goes up. The bright side is, if it comes down, it will definitely be going up again.

or rather,

Life is just like the penis. It is actually very short, but it seems so long when it's hard.

Anyway, if you still have dreams or believe in dreams,

Don't be the person to SEE what it will happens, be the person who MAKE it happens instead!

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Rome is not built in a day.

All roads lead to Rome.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Beauty is in the eye beholder.

Well, all of these just came up at the spur of the moment.

But now, gotta settle what's at hand first.

If tired, take a rest.

After all, all roads lead to home.

A letter from Chinese Malaysian to our PM

I saw this on Facebook.(Well, if the font size and color is weird here because the damn blogger isn't really working and I have no idea how to fix it.)

My friend said:' If you are shedding your tears in your heart, you do love the country.'

Yeah, this reminds me that there're many people out there fighting hard for their life. I am not the only one who suffer, at least it's not really suffering.

Cheers.

No Hope for the Malaysian Chinese - A Letter from a Chinese Malaysian Resident in USA (X St Georgs Pg)

Yang Amat Berhormat Dato' Sri Mohd Najib Bin Tun Haji Abdul Razak

Prime Minister of Malaysia, admin@portal.gov.my

Dear Prime Minister,

We refer to the letter below from a Chinese Malaysian for your information.

Would you like to comment, please?

We look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours respectfully,

Eddie Hwang

President

Unity Party WA Unity

PartyWA@westnet.com.au

www.unitywa.org

Ph/Fax: 61 893681884

A Malaysian speaks up....

I am a female Chinese Malaysian, living in the Washington DC area in the United States . I have read many of the letters that often talk about foreign countries when the writers have no real knowledge of actually living in those countries.

Many draw conclusions about what those countries are like after hearing from someone else or by reading and hearing about them in the media or after four years in a college town in those countries.

I finished STPM with outstanding results from the prestigious St George's Girls School in Penang . Did I get a university place from the Malaysian government? Nothing.. With near perfect scores, I had nothing, while my Malay friends were getting offers to go overseas.

Even those with 2As got into university. I was so depressed. I was my parent's last hope for getting the family out of poverty and at 18, I thought I had failed my parents.

Today, I understand it was the Malaysian Government that had failed me and my family because of its discriminatory policies.

Fortunately, I did not give up and immediately did research at the Malaysian American Commission on Education Exchange (MACEE) to find a university in the US that would accept me and provide all the finances. My family and friends thought I was crazy, being the youngest of nine children of a very poor carpenter. Anything that required a fee was out of our reach.

Based on merit and my extracurricular activities of community service in secondary school, I received full tuition scholarship, work study, and grants to cover the four years at a highly competitive US university.

Often, I took 21 credits each semester, 15 credits each term while working 20 hours each week and maintaining a 3.5 CGPA. A couple of semesters, I also received division scholarships and worked as a TA (teaching assistant) on top of everything else.

For the work study, I worked as a custodian (yes, cleaning toilets), carpet layer, computer lab assistant, grounds keeping, librarian, painter, tour guide, etc. If you understand the US credit system, you will understand this is a heavy load.

Why did I do it? This is because I learnt as a young child from my parents that hard work is an opportunity, to give my best in everything, and to take pride in the work I do. I walked away with a double major and a minor with honours but most of all a great lesson in humility and a great respect for those who are forced to labour in so-called `blue collar' positions.

Those of you who think you know all about Australia , US, or the West, think again. Unless you have really lived in these countries, i.e. paid a mortgage, paid taxes, taken part in elections, you do not understand the level of commitment and hard work it takes to be successful in these countries, not just for immigrants but for people who have lived here for generations.

These people are where they are today because of hard work. (Of course, I am not saying everyone in the US is hardworking... There is always the lazy lot that

lives off of someone else's hard work. Fortunately, they are the minority..)

Every single person, anywhere, should have the opportunity to succeed if they want to put in the effort and be accountable for their own actions. In the end, they should be able to reap what they sow.

It is bearable that opportunities are limited depending on how well-off financially one's family is but when higher education opportunities are race-based, like it is in Malaysia, it is downright cruel for those who see education as the only way out of poverty.

If you want to say discrimination is here in the US , yes, of course it is. Can you name a country where it doesn't happen? But let me tell you one thing - if you go looking for it, you will find it.

But in Malaysia , you don't have to go look for it because it seeks you out, slaps you in your face every which way you turn, and is sanctioned by law!

Here in the US , my children have the same opportunity to go to school and learn just like their black, white, and immigrant friends. At school, they eat the same food, play the same games, are taught the same classes and when they are 18, they will still have the same opportunities. Would I want to bring my children back to Malaysia ?

So they can suffer the state-sanctioned discrimination as the non-malays have had for over 50 years?

The injustice the non-Malay have to suffer in frightening silence is the most damaging problem one has to face throughout one's life. You just have to look at the mighty govt structures which completely favours only one race, the Umno Malay.

The Chinese and Indians are treated no better than the illegal Indonesians.

Racism and corruption are openly practised by the Malay politicians everywhere, Courts, schools/Uni, police, govt offices, contracts, GLC, NEP, ISA, local govt.

It's so powerful and intimidating that you walk with fear and keep your mouth shut on anything and everything political.

Religion is taboo unless you talk good about Islam.

As for being a slave in the foreign country, I am a happy 'slave' earning a good income as an IT project manager.

I work five days a week; can talk bad about the president when I want to; argue about politics, race and religion openly; gather with more than 50 friends and family when I want (no permit needed) and I don't worry about the police pulling me over because they say I ran the light when I didn't.

Have we seen the light at the end of the tunnel yet (Anwar Ibrahim)?

Or is it the head light of an oncoming Umno train ?

Lets hope its the former for the sake of all fair-minded Malaysians.

The dream of a Malaysian 'race' in the future is nowhere in sight with the present BN govt.

Where is Negara-Ku???